my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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