don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
