Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
