I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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