i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Randomize