listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
