i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
