i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
