Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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