i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize