He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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