I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
