When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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