ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
