brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Randomize
