we're chasing vodka with high fives
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
