I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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