he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
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