I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
