I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Success! We fucked roommates!
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