I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
