My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
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