In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
