Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
