Tell her she can't have a vagina
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
