im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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