I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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