grandma shit on top of the toilet
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Mom said you looked used
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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