Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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