My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
