My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
