So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
