a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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