FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
