he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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