I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Randomize
