i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
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