my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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