i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
He better not be in your backpack
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
