i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
