I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
