i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
