Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Randomize
