I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
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