mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
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