Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
