i'm signing you up for texting rehab
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
