You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
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