My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Randomize
