The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
