Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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