my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
