So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
