Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
so let's talk penis.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
