can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
