just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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