I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I'm at about main and main street
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
