if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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