Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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