I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Randomize
