I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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