sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
