my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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