I'm gonna have a badass scar
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
