Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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