the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Randomize